


Some Assassins Play A Video Game

by lieutenantskell



Category: Homestuck, ジョジョの奇妙な冒険 | JoJo no Kimyou na Bouken | JoJo's Bizarre Adventure
Genre: And Not A Single One-Shot Fools Joke, Big Plot Things, Doppio is mentioned, Gen, Goofy - Freeform, In-Depth Homestuck Knowledge Needed, That Would Be Preposterous, This Will Most Definitely Be A Full Story, happy 4/13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 13:40:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18447713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lieutenantskell/pseuds/lieutenantskell
Summary: A young man stands in his bedroom.It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, is no particular day of importance to him at the moment.However, though it was only yesterday that he had a stable, if somewhat mundane job as an assassin, he will now be forced into playing a game with his other co-workers for what seems like no good reason.What is the name of this young man?





	Some Assassins Play A Video Game

**Author's Note:**

> Happy 4/13/19, you sods.

 

A young man stands in his bedroom. 

It just so happens that today, the 13th of April, is no particular day of importance to him at the moment.

However, though it was only yesterday that he had a stable, if somewhat mundane job as an assassin, he will now be forced into playing a game with his other co-workers for what seems like no good reason. 

What is the name of this young man?

**> Enter name.**

[ CHEESESTINK TINYTOES ]

Heh, that's good. You'll have to start asking the other guys to call you that. But it isn't your real name. Take another crack at it.

**> Re-enter name.**

[ FORMAGGIO FORATURA ]

Yeah, that's more like it.

**> Examine room.**

Your name is FORMAGGIO FORATURA. You like to think of yourself as a LAID-BACK kind of guy, or at least that's how you'd like to be seen. Just like everyone else who works with you, your surface personality covers up an UNWAVERING STEELINESS and LOYALTY to your cause. What that cause is, we'll find out soon. Your hobbies mostly include SPORTS OF THE BALL-BASED VARIETY, ANIMALS, and COUNTRY MUSIC. Lining your shelves are various KITSCHY NOVELTIES and DUSTY TOMES. On your bed is your cat, TARALLI, whom if anything bad were to happen to, you would BRUTALLY EXECUTE the perpetrator AND THEN YOURSELF. Your LAPTOP is on your desk facing the window. If there's one thing you can do better than anyone else, it's NOT GIVE A SHIT.

What will you do?

**> Don't give a shit.**

Damn right.

**> Take out a tome.**

You wander over to one of the bookshelves and pull out a book. 

You're not much of a reader, so obviously these things are old as shit.

You blow off the dust from the book you pulled out.

"Honey, I Shrunk The Kids!  _ ~The Novelization~ _ "

This is the stupidest bullcrap you've ever seen in your life.

**> Captchalogue book.**

The fuck is a 'captchalogue'? You are quite certain there has never been, nor will ever be such a thing.

You just put it back from where you took it out. There. Now you'll never touch it again.

**> Screech like an imbecilic gorilla and masturbate on your cat.**

What a fucking stupid thought! What the hell's wrong with you?! These thoughts have been popping up for the past week...maybe you should see someone.

...Your laptop made a small 'ding' noise. 

**> You're an assassin, right? Go kill someone.**

Nah. Today's a no-kill day. 

That is, the BOSS hasn't given any of your teammates (or you, for that matter) any orders. 

Just another reason why this job can get kinda boring sometimes.

Your laptop went 'ding' again. Better answer it...ignoring a teammate on purpose gets half your pay docked.

**> Check laptop.**

You sit down at your desk and check your laptop.

Your background is a very tasteful picture of  the Italian countryside...with you messily photoshopped in, complete with jpeg artifacts. 

You wouldn't have it any other way.

On your laptop, there are a few programs. The first one is 'KittyKareKomplete', a pet-owner's manual for people who like cats with an unfortunate acronym. It's invaluable to you, a dumbass who loves cats. Next to that is 'Firefox Mobzilla', a search engine for people who don't have anything better to do. You use it. Sometimes. Mostly just so you can find out your favorite ball-sport players' birthdays. 

Finally, there's AOHell Messenger. This thing was made for mobsters, by mobsters. You don't know why such a thing exists, but that's beside the point.

It would appear one of your friends is messaging you.

**> Check AOHell Messenger.**

The first one is...oh, him. You're pretty good friends with him. You've known him since you started working in the assassination team.

And the other one is...oh shit, it's him. You aren't exactly a big fan of this guy, but you have to answer him...

...You'll talk to your friend first.

**> Formaggio: Answer.**

\-- knuckleballerImmesh [KI] started being tortured by kaleidoscopicLalique [KL] at 19:30 --

KL: Hey yo Forma b|g news from the boss, d|dja hear?

KI: the boss? what,s he got in store for us this time, huh? some kinda errand we have to go on, go buy milk for his daughter, that kinda shit?

KL: Nah nah noth|n like that Forma, l|sten: he’s send|ng us someth|ng.

KI: sending us something? like what?

KL: He sa|d |t’s some k|nda game or someth|ng? | dunno. From what R|s was say|ng, he was be|ng kind of vague about the whole th|ng. 

KI: typical of the guy.

KL: He sa|d we should be gett|ng |t |n the ma|l real soon and to connect w|th each other so we know what the fuck we’re doing when we play. 

KI: what, doesn,t it come with a manual? 

KL: Apparently not.

KI: damn. aight i,ll keep an eye out. you still holed up in that mirror world of yours?

KL: Nah nah |’m actually out at my house r|ght now. M|chael’s up |n my gr|ll more than a l|teral p|ece of charcoal.

KI: he doing alright?

KL: Better than alr|ight: he won’t shut the fuck up! All he’s done lately |s bark, and |t’s start|ng to p|ss me off. 

KI: i hear you. taralli sometimes won,t shut up either, but i think that,s mostly because he,s horny.

KL: A lot of pets just yell when they get horny, don’t they?

KI: hey, same for humans, right?

KL: Fa|r po|nt...anyways | gotta be go|ng. Gh|acc |s go|ng on a rampage about th|s game sh|t.

KI: oh, yeah, he,s the one yelling at me right now. see ya later, illuso.

KL: Catch ya on the fl|ps|de, Forma.

\-- knuckleballerImmesh [KI] was released by kaleidoscopicLalique [KL] at 19:43 --

**> ** **== >**

That guy’s always worth something. Alright. Time to deal with ice-cold fuckwad over here.

**> Formaggio: Answer ‘Ghiacc’.**

\-- knuckleballerImmesh [KI] started being tortured by katharsisKeelhauls [KK] at 19:45 --

KK: [ FORMAGGIO ]

KK: [ HEY ]

KK: [ FORMAGGIO ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME ]

KK: [ IF YOU’RE STILL SLEEPING AT 7:45 PM I WILL BE VERY UPSET WITH YOU ]

KI: god, i,m not sleeping, i was talking to illuso

KK: [ OKAY ]

KK: [ DID HE GIVE YOU THE WHOLE LOWDOWN ALREADY ]

KK: [ POMPOUS JERK ]

KK: [ I WANTED TO BE THE ONE TO MAKE THE WHOLE SPEECH AND THROW A FIT ABOUT IT ]

KI: hey, my ears are still open for your hissy fits, bud.

KK: [ OH GOOD ]

KK: [ BECAUSE I AM VERY THOROUGHLY ANNOYED AND PISSED OFF ABOUT THIS ENTIRE AFFAIR WITH THIS GAME ]

KK: [ FROM WHAT RISOTTO TOLD ME THE GAME THE BOSS WANTS US TO PLAY IS A VERY SPECIAL ONE ]

KK: [ ITS CALLED SBURB ]

KI: sburb?? did you misspell suburb or something?

KK: [ YES ITS AN AWFUL NAME BUT THATS WHAT ITS CALLED ]

KK: [ HE SAID HE DIDNT KNOW WHY THE BOSS WANTED US TO PLAY IT BUT ENTRUSTED IT WITH US SO IT MUST BE IMPORTANT ]

KK: [ IM JUST WONDERING WHY THE FUCK HE WAITED UNTIL THE DAY OF GIVING US THE DISK TO TELL US IT WAS THIS IMPORTANT ]

KK: [ LIKE ]

KK: [ YOU COULD NOT HAVE JUST TOLD US THAT WE’D BE GETTING A GAME DISC A WEEK BEFORE SENDING IT SO WE COULD PREPARE ]

KK: [ BUNCH OF DUMBASSES RUNNING THIS WHOLE OPERATION ]

KI: yeah. m_hmm. sounds awful. 

KK: [ I KNOW RIGHT ]

KK: [ ANYWAYS YOU SHOULD BE GETTING YOUR GAME IN SOON ]

KK: [ DONT START UNTIL EVERYONE HAS THEIR COPY ALRIGHT ]

KI: okay fine jeez.

\-- knuckleballerImmesh [KI] was released by katharsisKeelhauls [KK] at 19:56 --

 


End file.
